All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
