I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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