I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
