I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
