STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
