It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
