1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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