mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
