My hand turned me down
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
