Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
