I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
