what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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