get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
