I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You smell like stripper and shame
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
