Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
