I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
