i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
