Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
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I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
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he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?