You're so nebulous sometimes
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...