Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
