Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
