So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
