My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
