PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
