dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
