And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
