well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
