i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
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just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
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Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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