i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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