We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
