The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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