I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
40s are totally the cure
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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