Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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