I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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