FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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