I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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