I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Please don't give away my fajitas
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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