The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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