Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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