I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
