are you so shy because you have an std?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
