the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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