I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
