Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
