Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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