You're my little dorito
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize