On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
