I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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