areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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