Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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