she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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