Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
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Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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