my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
