when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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