I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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