Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
