I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
