I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
