Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
