She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
