drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
