Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
