I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
