the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
someone owes me an orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
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