I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
