We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
